The Mahablog Has a Great Post

Friday, April 1, 2005My Living Will

This morning I read about an individual with health problems who keeps her living will in her refrigerator. She figures the paramedics will check the fridge to see what medications she's on, and they will find it there.

But I thought, why not post it online? I'll have lots of witnesses that way. So, in the likely event that someday I'll be too incapacitated to speak for myself, please:

1. Don't take my picture wearing some ugly-ass hospital gown and make it public. I will haunt you.

2. If Randall Terry comes within three miles of my hospital bed, shoot him.

3. If Randall Terry survives the shooting, please dress him in an ugly-ass hospital gown and send the photo to Faux Nooz.

4. The following objects are not to be permitted anywhere near my home or hospice: Giant styrofoam spoons; bowling pins, especially if juggled; video or film cameras; clowns and/or politicians. If such persist in hanging around, perhaps a display of Randall Terry's head on a pike will discourage them. Worth a try.

5. If the time comes that my higher brain functions such as cognition, memory, and self-awareness are truly gone, please do not waste resources on me. Take me off the tubes and pull out the needles and dump me out of the bed, and use those resources to save someone who still has a life.

6. However, if by some miracle the only person on the planet who might need those resources is Randall Terry or some other Fetus Person, keep me hooked up as long as possible. It's what they would want, I'm sure.

7. Also, before carrying out request #5, get a second opinion.

8. To my family, know that whatever decision you make is OK with me, so don't beat yourself up over it.

9. In the unlikely event I leave an estate, use some of the money to throw a really outrageous party and make a large donation to any respectable organization working to provide single payer health care for all Americans.

10. Otherwise, if you check under the sofa cushions and the kitchen cabinet drawer under the microwave, you might find enough loose change to buy a six-pack. Enjoy.